How to Get Published  v.1.0

February 21, 2014 

So one has written a book and one deems it worthy of publication. One would think the next step would be simple. Send the manuscript out to all the publishing companies that publish things along the lines of what one has written. One would be abysmally wrong.

I was clever enough to realize things might not be so straightforward so I googled up "How to get published." All I can say is Oy vey!! What a freakin' Pandora's Box of utter insanity that seemingly simple question opened up.

I discovered quite quickly that:
1. 99% of the publishers out there won't take simultaneous submissions. This means you can't just whip up a bunch of copies of your manuscript and send them out the same day to a bunch of different publishers. Turns out that isn't even your biggest problem though because...
2. 99% of the publishers won't take unsolicited manuscripts!

Discovery #2 opens up a whole other can of crazy called trying to get a literary agent.  

 OK - I went back to Google and asked, "How do I get a literary agent?" I was still laboring under the delusion that I was asking a relatively simple question that might produce a similar response, but it was not to be. I don't even know where to begin to try to explain how convoluted and nutty the process gets at this point. Think M.C. Escher on crack cocaine and LSD.

From all the different sites that one question led me to I learned one key fact. To get a literary agent you have to write a kick ass query letter. Yeah... turns out there are so many of us out here thinking we have something worth publishing that these agents by and large only have time to read a short snappy letter telling them about you and your fabulous book. Even if some agents will let you submit a sample of your opus, apparently most of them won't bother to read it if your query letter doesn't knock their 100% wool argyle socks off first. I kid you not. There are hundreds of web sites devoted to how to write these all-important letters. Never mind that you wrote a book folks, it's your letter writing skills that matter now.

So I digested as much of that rigamarole as I could... psychic TUMS needed for sure. I wrote a crack query letter in my oh-so-humble opinion, and then hit a couple of websites  that list agents for you to contact. 

Here's where the process bogged down for me once again. First off, they sort agents by genre, and that certainly makes sense. But what do you do if your book isn't so easily pigeon-holed? My book is non-fiction and has taken various helpings from the genre buffet.

I pondered the choices available to me and decided my book fit four of the genres being offered for sorting purposes: memoir, humor, current culture commentary and a smidge of self improvement to balance out the flavor. Trouble is, the little search engine will only sort to one genre at a time. I decided to go with humor hoping those agents would have some and not be the total douches all these web sites make them out to be. 

I'll have to let you know how it works out. Each agent has their own picky rules about submission. It's enough to drive a linear thinker like myself insane.

That stipulated, for my own mental health I am limiting myself to sending out four submission queries a day. I just started and have eight out there so far. Two agents have already sent me rejections which is OK by me. At least that gives me the illusion that something is happening.

I will no doubt be devoting a few more blogs to my efforts to get my book out there. One will probably cover the subject of rejections alone.

This is all about "traditional" publishing by the way. For now I am not considering self publishing, but who knows how I will feel after the few hundred rejections every web site told me to expect?
At this point I am still feeling confident that my book will find a literary agent who will find it a publisher. From my blog to God's eyes!!  

Here's what I think. Really, really, really enjoy writing your book. It's not nearly so much fun when you get to the selling your book part.

The Sixties     

 February 18, 2014

Where have I been the past 2 years and 9 months or so you may ask? Well - the event that rendered me silent was my 60th birthday in December, 2011. I've never been bothered by birthdays, subscribing to my dad's wisdom... " They beat the alternative."

Turning 60 didn't bother me either. but it did make me stop and think. The realization that I was well and truly into the third and final act of my life did give me pause. I needed to do some sorting and prioritizing.

So priority one... I retired after 25 years at my day job at the end of February, 2013. I sat around doing pretty much nothing and loving every minute of it for about 9 months, then something ridiculously cool began to happen.

It was a bit before Thanksgiving 2013 when a book started downloading into my head. I had no control over it and learned quickly if I didn't write it down immediately it stood a good chance of being lost. So I ran out and bought a package of 12 legal pads (optimistic thinking) and kept a pad and pen in every location I might find myself, including my car.

Yes... I was pulling over to jot down my downloads which seemed to come most frequently when I was driving. My record for pulling over was 5 times on one errand which consequently took me twice as long to run. But hey... I'm retired and having the book I always thought I had somewhere inside me finally putting in an appearance on paper was just so damn exciting!

Turned out the download was the easy part. Unfortunately the book didn't cooperate by downloading neatly in order from first page to last. Nope... I was left with a complete mess that consolidated down to about 2 legal pads.

I quickly discovered that my initial plan to get this mess from paper to puter was not going to work for me so I had to figure out a new strategy. It took about a week for my proverbial light bulb to go on and it became clear why the Universe had led me to buy the 12-pack of  legal pads.

So I had the joy of separating my mess into chapters, one per pad. Once done, I finally got it onto my computer where I could seriously play with it.

Anyway, that's what I've been up to since last heard from here. The book is done and I am in the torturous process of trying to get it published. That will be the subject for another blog though, a whiny, bitchy one most likely.

Here's what I think. When you hit 60 it is definitely time to do a major assessment of where you are, why you are there, and if there is somewhere else you would rather be literally and/or figuratively. If you come to the realization that you would like to make some changes... get a move on!!